Monday, October 10, 2011

Relentless Love

“For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh,
but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.”
Romans 8:5

This is my heart.

This blog is a refection of my heart.

I find it difficult to be transparent at times. Especially when I’m not even sure how to explain the condition and state my heart is in. I have sat down several times to write and nothing came easy. However, so much is stirring and sifting that I have no choice but to write.
And so, I will.

The last month or so has been amazing. It has been emotional. It has been scary. It has been precious. So many highs and so many lows. Sweet priceless times with the Lord and other times; total confusion and frustration.

I can’t help but ask the Lord, “What is this..?” “What does all this mean…?”

I am speaking of the absolute and total longing to love the orphan, feed the hungry child, clothe the cold toddler, hug the crying teenager and rock the sick baby all in the beautiful name of Jesus!

It’s completely overwhelming and has overpowered me as a person.

I don’t even have a category to put “it” in.
I’m not even sure I can.
I think that is OK.
I don’t even know if anyone understands what I am talking about.
It’s almost pointless to try to explain it because people just stare at me with a blank stare.
I think that is normal, I guess.
I certainly do not blame them.
I mean, how many people do you meet today; married with 3 young children that are bleeding for the opportunity to leave everything they know, sell it all, move to Africa and see what the Lord has?
I don’t say that with any pat-on-the-back mentality whatsoever. I am serious.
You just don’t hear that too often these days.
So why me? Why us?

We’re waiting…

My  heart is totally turned inside out.
There are some nights I do not sleep.
There are nights that I find myself sitting on the couch using my sweet dogs head as a weeping pillow, wiping my tears with his ears, literally. I am undone. I am not the same. I will never be the same person again. There is a sense of urgency inside of me that makes me crazy at times. What does it all mean?

That is the million dollar question.

So I wait.
So WE wait.

Daily I ask myself really hard questions, like, “Are you seeking any personal gain from this… is there something in this that is “romantic” to you that makes you live in a fairytale world… am I seeking recognition from people… are you weighing the cost or are you blind…”
These are a few of the questions I ask constantly.

I have to be honest… this is my thought pattern:

“They need to know Jesus.
These children need to be loved.
They need to know they are not forgotten, they are not worthless.
There is a purpose for their life.
Jesus loves these children and we need to share Christ with them.
We need to rescue them from child trafficking, prostitution, war!”

I really do not find “me” in any of my responses to these questions I ask.
(Oh Lord, I beg, if this is ever about me, for one second, would you take it from me, remove it, crush it, kill it. It simply can not be about me.)

They need us and we need them.

I’ve asked the Lord to speak wisdom to me. I understand that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. (Psalm 111:10) Well I am definitely walking in Holy fear of the Lord now more so than ever. But I ask Him to give me understanding of this desire. Help me make sense of that which is transpiring in my heart.

I am excited to know that He hears my every prayer and knows the cry of my heart. He has gathered every tear I have shed and He holds them in His hand. They are not waisted. They are not forgotten.

I do believe that He has given me this love, this heart and this fire.
And I also know that I have no choice but to wait and see what this all means.

Here is a cool story.
Chris and I were invited to Colorado Springs to attend an “EXPECT” conference with some of the most anointed speakers of today, in my personal opinion.  The speakers were Jim Cymbala, Nicky Cruz, Carter Conlon, Gary Wilkerson just to name a few. It was one of the most amazing times in my Christian walk. The power of the Holy Spirit that fell upon those men was utterly indescribable. There really are no words to portray what happened in that place. The group of people we went with had never experienced anything of this nature before either. (Just a side note: God in His great mercy and love has healed His people, united His people and is moving BIG TIME in the hearts of this amazing group of people from Petaluma. God is SO HUGE!)

The cool nugget the Lord gave to both my husband and I during this conference was a sweet, powerful and direct word from the Lord from a complete stranger.

Basically, this man Bob, told us that the Lord had a plan for us. He didn't say anything else except that he believed the Lord had something very special in store for Chris and I.

I was absolutely dumbfounded.

I was able to sit with Bob for a while the next day and he told me directly, “The Lord has something very special for you and your husband and you need to wait on Him. You need to be patient because what the Lord has for you, He will show you soon.”

OK! That’s pretty exciting.
This man, Bob did not know us from Adam.
We had never met.
He had no idea of the passion and desire that is burning in both my husbands heart and mine.
But in the midst of his tears, he had a word for us straight from the Lord.

Now, to me, that’s a cool story and I'll take it!

Since then, he has written to us and we have written back. He is praying for us and we are incredibly blessed by this man and his wife. God is so gracious. He is so tender. He is so flawless.

I marvel at His great love for this wretched little sinner that I am.

and so we wait...

“For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope.
For who hopes for what he sees?
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”
Romans 8:24-25

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