A Good Word

"And God gave Solomon wisdom and understanding beyond measure,

and breadth of mind like the sand on the seashore"

1 Kings 4:29

I now realize that “writing a blog” is not as easy as I thought it would be.

Especially about something that is so

precious, personal and sensitive to my heart.

I understand that in order for my blog to make sense and hopefully bless others, =
I need to be

transparent and vulnerable.

Not an easy thing to do for someone who is not good at grammar and
petrified of writing

In fact, it completely freaks me out.

But I know I need to do it.

Things for Chris and I have been made very clear to us.

It is very evident that we need to

pray pray and pray some more

in order to be on the same page through this whole process together.

It is very easy for me to move ahead of my husband

because I become so emotionally entangled

in the thought of loving the orphan

that I forget that I need to wait and follow my husband’s lead.

My heart is more emotionally invested at this time than my husbands.
(In other words, I am weeping at everything and thoughts are all consuming of the orphan)

Nothing is wrong with that.

In fact, I have read, that is normal.

Again, it's the mother in me just wanting to be that mother to the motherless.

However, a friend shared with my husband that this adoption

is not going to be about the “adoption”. (hah?)

It is going to be about our marriage.

Oh the truth that rang in my heart.

It’s going to be about what the Lord does in our lives through this process.

That if Chris and I are not together on every step; spiritually and emotionally,

it could be disaster for our lives.

Wow.

Hard words but very true.

This is Huge.

This is Big.

I am thankful for this friend. I am thankful for the wisdom in which was spoken.

Chris and I are so committed to understanding God’s call on our lives.

I know that the Lord has put this passion in my heart, that can not be denied.

I am truly humbled at the goodness of Christ.

I know the Lord has made this very clear to my husband that Biblically

we are called to care for the orphan.

So with that together...

I am excited to see where the Lord will lead us.

We are in earnest prayer.

Waiting on the Lord for His goodness, His timing, His Grace and His Will….

not ours.

God you are SO good!

You are SO faithful!

If we are willing, He is able!

God, would You use us for your Kingdom?

Prepare our hearts to seek Your Kingdom, not ours.

Strengthen us to do Your Work.

Humble us to serve not ourselves.

Bring Glory to Your name through our obedience to your Word!

“For whoever would save his life will lose it,

but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Matthew 16:25

Heart of a child. My child.

"Buy truth, and do not sell it;
   buy wisdom, instruction, and understanding." Proverbs 23:23

So the other night I was sitting with Hannah and we were *discussing* how we need to be thankful for everything that we have.

That the Lord is not pleased when we have a heart of grumbling and unthankfulness.

We need to understand that when mommy puts dinner on the table,

we need to be thankful.

When clothes are laid out for us to wear,

we need to be grateful.

When it's time to take a warm bubble bath we need

to understand that we are a blessed people who have running water.

After going back and forth with my child, I decided…
you know what… she's not too young,

she’s old enough! I need to show her just what I'm talking about.

(Sometimes I feel words go in one ear and out the other.

You with kids ever feel that way? Go figure.)

So I got that iPad and we sat on the couch.

I opened one of my favorite blogs and I started to read to her stories and look at pictures.

I showed her pictures of children that had no parents

They had no home.

The literally lived in the streets

and some of these children were just a little bigger than Phoebe,

barley walking,

left to fen for themselves.

They were given no dinner that night.

They had no clean clothes to put on that day.

In fact, they didn't even have shoes.

They we're as dirty as a little one could get.

That means nobody ran them a warm bubble bath.

They had no cozy bed to crawl into and that “last sip of water” you think you have to have....

They didn't even get water that day!

As we sat there and I shared with her my heart and we looked at these children, tears began flowing down her face. She started to see that these children really were in need and she has everything these little precious children only dream of having.

We both were crying now.

I held her very close. Being very aware of what was happening.

We paused and prayed.

I held her as I prayed that Jesus would send someone to help these little gems. I pleaded with Jesus and asked for a way to be made through the wilderness.

When we were done praying, we just sat there.

For the first time, my daughter, my little 6 ½ year old saw the world with a new set of eyes.

I know things started to transpire in her heart.

She asked me later that night, “Mommy, are there orphans who are going to bed
right now that have tummy aches because they are hungry?”
I had to tell her the truth.
I said, “Yes honey, I am sorry to say that there are.”
She put her arms out to me and started to weep,

“Oh mommy, I want to give them my dinner.”

Heart of a child. My child.

 “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child
will never enter it.”

And he took the children in his arms,
placed his hands on them and blessed them."

Mark 10:14-16

My Morning Mediation

 My heart longs for the presence of God!

There is an aching in my soul that only can be nurtured by Christ and Christ alone.

To be aware of such need and finding me at the foot of the Cross over it, I feel utterly unworthy.  Understanding only a fraction of what is happening within my heart, I have no choice but to cling to the coat trim of Christ and pray for wisdom.

The stirring, vision and faith that has birthed within my heart is absolutely terrifying and yet so overwhelmingly exciting that I have no choice but to bring to the Lord, in total fear; trusting His Will be brought forth, for His Glory.

As I have prayed, 'Lord, give me a purpose. Give me a active role in your heavenly kingdom. Use my life to bring absolute glory to your name. Cause me to be completely selfless in this life. Bring me to my knees. Show me the Glory and beauty that is spoke of in your Word when one bares the cross and follows You."

Is this an answer to that prayer?

One might guess.

Psalm 105:4 "Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His presence continually."

When we seek the Lord and plead for his strength,

He gives it.

When we plead for the presence of Christ to dwell within our hearts,

He is there.

When we ask things, in His name, according to His will,

He gives it.

Seems easy enough, right? 

Vs. 14 "he allows no one to oppress them; he rebukes kings on their account."

Vs. 24 "and the Lord made his people very fruitful and made them stronger than their foes."

Amazing.

Adoption.

Lord, it's all about you. It must be about you.

You adopted me. You didn't have too but you did through your great love for me that while I was ugly, dirty, broken and evil,

You chose me.

You rescued me.

You pulled me from my pit of despair.

You gave me hope.

You gave me life.

You set me free from my captives.

You released me from my bondage.

You gave me a new name.

You adopted me.

It's a beautiful, beautiful thing. You didn't have too but you did.

"Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the alter of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God." Psalm 43:3-4

My Costco Cart

 

“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”
Matthew 7:13-14

It's everything I read, everything I look at, I am reminded of this "other world" out there.

A world that I was so blind to before.

I was blind because I chose not to see it.

There is nothing that breaks my heart more than to see a child in need.

Little did I know there are 145 million orphans in need.

The simple things in life are becoming very challenging to me.

I can not go on being "blind" anymore.

My heart aches, weeps, hurts, bleeds, sobs all at the same time.

Is that even possible?

Yes.

Apparently.

This life that I know here in comfy wine country Petaluma is becoming
somewhat foreign to me.

I almost don't even recognize the streets anymore.

I look at everything so differently.

Paul says that while he appreciates the gifts that have been given to him by the people,
he doesn't need them to be content.
He's found the secret to contentedness in all situations
and it is God.

I am content with God, I am not content with the circumstances of my life.

I am not OK with knowing what I know now and doing nothing about it.

God has opened my eyes and I know He has a plan.

I have said it before: Adoption is War!

When one pays money or "fee's" for the process of adoption it is actually a
ransom cost we are paying for these children.
They are held captive in their present situation and we need to set them free.

A ransom must be paid for a freedom of their bodies and souls.

For those who know what I'm talking about, you get it!

This. Is. Huge.

So as I sit at my computer at night and I read stories of people
who have gone before me and are actively pursuing these children
for Christ's-Greater-Good, I am utterly set on fire.

I become more and more consumed with the utter depravity that some children
live and die in daily.

~


Today I went to Costco. Oh the luxury of America.

Up and down the isles, choosing organic this... all natural that.

So many choices.

My shopping cart is filling up very quickly.

Soap, bread, fruit snacks, granola bars, coffee, eggs, blueberries, carrots,

apples, oranges, diapers, napkins, meat, chicken, cheese... I could go on.

All the while in the back of my mind,

I think of the little faces in Africa
that have never seen this much food in their life.

They have never had bottled water.

They have never had an orange.

They have never had organic blueberries.

They have never had a popsicle.

They eat once a day, if that, and it is usually the same meal.

Rice. Beans,

My heart is unravelled.

As I drive out of the parking lot fighting back tears
because I don't want my children to see me crying (again)
(bless their hearts; they probably think crying is my new hobby)

I plead with my Jesus, why? How can this be? It's so wrong.

Oh Lord, use me in all my brokenness to bring Glory to your name

through giving of myself and loving the orphan.

I have to be very careful how I express my heart.

I am SO beyond thankful for all that I have, you have no idea.

I am very aware that I do not deserve any of this.

Why am I not one of those children?

What makes me able to have anything I want at Costco

while others have nothing?

I can not tell you why I have images of Africa in my mind.

I can not tell you why my heart bleeds for these children except

the Lord is calling...

He is calling this child, this adopted child to help others.

I know He is.

I believe He is.

^"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1